If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
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I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
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I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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