I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
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"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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