you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
