Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
