That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
worst night to have a conscience
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
