Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
