Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
