You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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