I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
