I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
