Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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