I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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