textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
