The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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