what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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