We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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