Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
