Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
