When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
