there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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