1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
