I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
