i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
