my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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