you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
