I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
