You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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