our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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