there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
