if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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