umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
