The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
