getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
