you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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