I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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