I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
