We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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