No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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