Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
