ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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