I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
