thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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