if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
