Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
