I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
