Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
