im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
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He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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