Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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