I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
