i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
