Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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