I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
