if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You have to summon your inner elephant
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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