never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
