I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
