I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
