come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
