I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
