remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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