If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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