You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
